Value and Respect

It's like seeing myself in a fractured mirror. The pieces fit. But it isn't whole. No matter the combination, there will forever be lines that will never smooth, and cracks where continuity used to be. Maybe I'm kidding myself. I thought the path would become more clear as time went on, and that wisdom and accomplishment would take the place of uncertainty. I thought there would be more....and there is.... but it's different than I thought it would be. Who am I? Really. When is the "Ah Ha" moment that brings definition to all the swirling thoughts, struggles and the laundry list of things that make less sense, instead of more? What's the truth? I feel like I should be more than I am; and yet I am the whole world to two people who depend on me to help them shape their lives into an existence that nurtures, loves, protects, and provides the stability that supports their happiness. Ironic, isn't it. I hold such limited value in the outside world. My skill, expertise, knowledge, intellect, industry, passion, ethical principles, ideals, experience, education..... are all junk worth no more than 16.97 an hour. Just a little bit more than nothing; and yet, I am priceless to my husband and little girl. The world doesn't recognize women that stay home to care for their family as worthwhile. We give up the respect of colleagues, and the professional world. They see us as dull witted chumps who give up the brass ring for sippy cups and car pool. What they fail to realize is that growing a tiny human to be a whole, and confident person is hard work. It is sacrificing all of the things that used to define me, that I love, and that I worked so hard for; for a life that depends on me for its survival. It's a hard choice to set my wants, pursuits, dreams aside for: "The Dream," the husband and child I'd never thought I'd have or deserved. Why is it people mock instead of celebrate women who make the choice to raise their children? Why are women who choose their career, celebrated and offered understanding? So many questions, and lots of stuff that may be perceived as judgment, but isn't. It's my internal conflict. Knowing that I too want things. That I miss having the freedom to invest in cultuvating endeavors that are important to me as a person. That I sometimes resent my duty to my family. That I can't have it all because it would mean that my husband and daughter would suffer for it. How do I explain my decision to people that assume that I've "settled"? Why are my decisions automatically perceived as evidence of judgments I've made against people who choose differently? Why is it easier to vilify me, than for others to accept their own decisions and internal conflicts?