Value and Respect

It's like seeing myself in a fractured mirror. The pieces fit. But it isn't whole. No matter the combination, there will forever be lines that will never smooth, and cracks where continuity used to be. Maybe I'm kidding myself. I thought the path would become more clear as time went on, and that wisdom and accomplishment would take the place of uncertainty. I thought there would be more....and there is.... but it's different than I thought it would be. Who am I? Really. When is the "Ah Ha" moment that brings definition to all the swirling thoughts, struggles and the laundry list of things that make less sense, instead of more? What's the truth? I feel like I should be more than I am; and yet I am the whole world to two people who depend on me to help them shape their lives into an existence that nurtures, loves, protects, and provides the stability that supports their happiness. Ironic, isn't it. I hold such limited value in the outside world. My skill, expertise, knowledge, intellect, industry, passion, ethical principles, ideals, experience, education..... are all junk worth no more than 16.97 an hour. Just a little bit more than nothing; and yet, I am priceless to my husband and little girl. The world doesn't recognize women that stay home to care for their family as worthwhile. We give up the respect of colleagues, and the professional world. They see us as dull witted chumps who give up the brass ring for sippy cups and car pool. What they fail to realize is that growing a tiny human to be a whole, and confident person is hard work. It is sacrificing all of the things that used to define me, that I love, and that I worked so hard for; for a life that depends on me for its survival. It's a hard choice to set my wants, pursuits, dreams aside for: "The Dream," the husband and child I'd never thought I'd have or deserved. Why is it people mock instead of celebrate women who make the choice to raise their children? Why are women who choose their career, celebrated and offered understanding? So many questions, and lots of stuff that may be perceived as judgment, but isn't. It's my internal conflict. Knowing that I too want things. That I miss having the freedom to invest in cultuvating endeavors that are important to me as a person. That I sometimes resent my duty to my family. That I can't have it all because it would mean that my husband and daughter would suffer for it. How do I explain my decision to people that assume that I've "settled"? Why are my decisions automatically perceived as evidence of judgments I've made against people who choose differently? Why is it easier to vilify me, than for others to accept their own decisions and internal conflicts?

Shame

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." -Marcus Aurelius

I saw the quote above the other day, and it really resonated with me. When I first read it, I could feel my whole internal vibe change as I processed its intrinsic wisdom. People want us to believe that their truth is "the" truth. They want validation, and that is not wrong, but I think we have to be very careful of setting ourselves and our opinions up as factual advice for others to heed and follow. I've thought a lot about the topic of "truth" lately because of some personal things that have transpired, and  the painful confusion that seemed to grip me as a result. While I am struggling to put my thoughts and feelings down in the hope of making sense the conclusions I've drawn through introspection, my budding internal convictions are morphing my spiritual landscape in an essential way; and I am realizing that a theme that has run the course of my 45 years is taking shape and definition in a way that it hasn't ever before. My entire life I have struggled against people with opinions that have been set up as truth, and because I was ignorant in a myriad of ways these people were able to shape me in a negative and unloving way. People that have used their influence and my ignorance, and limited or damaged self concept to their advantage.
While I value you and your conviction regarding your perspective on x subject, it is a big world full of opinions and perspectives, including mine. So while I will take your opinion/perspective and honor it as one of many; I wouldnt be honoring my own instinct or sense of self by subscribing solely to your truth as the only truth, and snuffing out my ability to construct my own truth. Your perspective or opinion won't stop me from walking my own path even if you don't sanction it.

Me and Tony Robbins.....

Remember the movie, "Shallow Hal"? Recently I've been wondering if the Tony Robbins magic could transform my vision of now from seeing only the flaws, to really embracing the opportunity. We'll see. Right now it's just a thought. But I guess we see what we want to see: in ourselves, in others. They say that the night is the darkest just before the dawn.....and right now I'd say it's pitch black. Hey Tony, any time now I'd like to see that super model in the mirror instead of the 350 lb woman.

The Winter

Life is ebb and flow. Sometimes it's high tide and you're riding the waves of whatever endeavor you have latched on to( or has latched on to you), and sometimes you're stuck in the tide pools waiting until fortune smiles and sends you into the waiting ocean of opportunity. The winters of life are hard.  This is my winter; and while I know that spring is coming eventually I can't help but have small, brief periods where I curse my lot and wish for more.
Each time I feel like this: sad, burdened, frustrated, stuck, I feel ungrateful for the blessings and gifts that I have been given. Rationally, I know that I am grateful and thankful for all I have; but I still can't help feeling guilty for my lamentations. I'm utterly human, a fatal flaw.
I spend my time searching, researching and plotting my escape. It consumes me.
Mostly because I am left here. Homemaking. Mothering. Sowing seeds that will only bear fruit years in the future. And no matter what I may wish, desire, hope, need; there is no where to go. At least not now.
Mortally tired, I drag myself through each day; plodding along, hoping for rest, and knowing none will come. Hoping for novelty, though none will come. Wishing I could be someone else with a far more interesting, more lucrative existence, but it is futile.
I must stay here and live this life I've chosen. For there is one thing I've learned, if I've learned anything about life at all: escaping pain, hardship, loneliness, powerlessness is impossible. Though there may be many ways to endure a season in life that brings pain, the only way to master it is to live through it, and eliminate the internal distraction of the human experience to foster clarity; a clarity that can only come through discipline, patience and industry. To consciously sow the seeds of success, to propagate prosperity, and to reap the rewards that are the fruit of due diligence.
The only way to spring is through the winter. So too, the only way to find success is to have the wisdom to stay the course, despite setbacks and frustration;despite the criticism and the nay sayers. Knowing that even though winter may wear out its welcome long before it ends, it will eventually end; and if I've played my cards right spring's summer will eclipse my wildest dreams.

The High Road.

The beginning of the end....
Maybe...
Maybe there are things we can't account for. At any rate, times are as they are and we must learn to live with the present and the future.
Just to address the obvious state of affairs....
Post election disdain, anger, and folks behaving badly.
Now, I didn't vote for Obama. I don't care for his brand of politics, but..... Anger and nastiness aren't going to make things any different.
As for Romney, the Republican party and the religious right single-handedly alienated many people with their ultra conservative  views.
Most Americans don't want polarized politics and a country divided by opposition. We want prosperity, freedom, and the right to live like Americans.
We don't want to be Greece, England, France or Canada; we want to be The United States of America, with all the hope she can promise.
Interestingly, it doesn't matter what your personal views are because "the machine" has its own agenda and whether you believe it or not it cares nothing for you.
Wake up, people.
Drop your anger and....
Take a chance at walking the high road.

Angry: Part II

So....Where were we? Oh right, I'm angry......  Yeah, so this needs to stop.

There was a quote that I read sometime ago that basically stated that anger is sparked by a violation of ones values. Ok, I can subscribe to that, but how to deal with that is the problem.

 There are all kinds of ways to be frustrated, offended and ....angry.....every day. How do I just....leave it. No matter what. Disengage.

 I guess one way is to not let things bother me that I really have no control over. Brush it aside and try to forget about it.
 I've tried it.
 Things still eat at me even if I manage not to show that I am hurt, annoyed, frustrated and angry.

 I'm not saying that I go home and kick the dog or anything, but my mind turns it over and over and I can't let it go.
 That just makes it worse. Like a depressive who drinks to self medicate. I think I'm addicted to that thing....the memory of the issue... I can't resolve.  It becomes an obsession until I either drive myself crazy enough to let it go or say or do something stupid that inevitably makes things worse.
So, the question is....how much is peace worth to me? Is it worth more than the obsession with things I can't change or resolve?
If it's important to me enough to change....
Where do I start?  That's the real question that begs an answer.....
Maybe that is what I need to start doing..... Creating my new plan for peace....

Angry Much???

Anger. It's a powerful emotion!  Just thinking about the word conjures all kinds of memories. Mostly memories of me wanting to rip someone's head off.
I know, I know that isn't very nice. Right?
I hate feeling angry. I hate confrontation, but I'm not afraid of it either.
Anger, frustration, feelings of powerlessness can be overwhelming catalysts; sometimes sparking a detructive swath a mile wide.
However, it is the same emotional set that can spur a life changing transformation.
It has the power to create, as well as to destroy.
Incredible, isn't it?
Let me tell you a little story about an epiphany of mine.
I came home from class last night and I was talking to my husband about religion; and as I was standing there going on and on about it I realized that: I am an angry person.
I said that to my husband. Out loud. "I am an angry person," I said.
He genuinely looked sad for me, and began to nod slightly, indicating his agreement. "I know, honey, but you have reasons to be. You had kind of a rough go of things." He looked a little sheepish like admitting that might bring him a world of grief later, but I brushed the look aside and pressed on.
"I really am angry; about so many things, and I don't know how to fix it."
It seemed inconsequential, this little exchange, but in reality it was incredibly important. I'd felt the feelings of anger on so many occasions, but I never thought to identify myself as an "angry person".
Oops! Gotta go!
To be continued......