Transparency

Recently, I'd watched a TED MED talk by Dr. Lena Wen. I loved what she had to say, and the idea of physician transparency really resonated with me. The story of her mother's cancer treatment, and her opinions regarding the oncologist that treated her mother seemed understandable. However, her presentation left me with a lot of questions, and I think that is one of the problems with using opinions rather than facts to move an audience. No doubt, that there are physicians that are short sighted in their treatment, and some may even, as she mentioned, use a drug solely because he/she is getting some incentive to use it; but I think applying that opinion generally to the medical community is unfair, at best. Clearly, there are just some doctors and nurses who should not be practicing medicine, and that is the real message, in my opinion. The idea of forcing doctors to disclose every last detail of how they are paid seems punitive, and jealous. As well, if that is what consumers want, then all American entities, including the Federal Government should be forced to disclose every gift, benefit, and incentive received; and their intended purpose.
As well, the laws governing doctors and medicines in the US are HURTING patients, and not helping them. The truth is, BIGPHARMA doesn't care if you are getting the medicine that you need, but chances are your doctor does. The previous practice of big drug companies wooing doctors with lunches, conference trips, or other "perks," meant that, in many cases, patients benefitted by getting their very expensive medicines either at a discounted rate or even for free. Americans pay 50% more for medicine than the international community by design. Big drug companies leverage their research on the backs of the American people, while patients in other countries have access to the latest drugs for almost nothing. Now with the new formularies, and federal restrictions, Americans are prevented from access to the medicines that their 50% mark-up makes possible. In essence, we pay for the research, but we don't have access to the benefits. Transparency means that all entities show their cards...not that regulatory agencies and the federal government get to scapegoat medical practitioners, while they reap benefits and line their pockets.

Breaking up

Before I met my husband, I had a long, long, long history of picking the WRONG partner. In fact, I was a pro at finding the perfect flavor of jerk to highlight all of the negative aspects of my personality: my flaws, insecurities, and fears. In short, all of the stuff I hated about myself was illuminated, and served to me on a silver platter of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Awesome! Right? It took me years of over doing, obsessing and "killing" myself trying to make the object of my affection happy before I realized that I had a choice. It finally dawned on me that it was up to me to change my fate, and ask for exactly what I wanted. It was that shift in my thinking that was the game changer for me. I no longer saw myself as shameful bag of damaged goods, afraid of a life of loneliness. I accepted that a life alone was a far better choice than a life looking into the eyes of a partner who would never see me as good enough. I accepted the good, the great,and the awesome things about me; as well as the things that I'd always been ashamed of. I knew that if love was to ever be successful I had to live authentically, and that meant forgiving myself for not being perfect. It felt good to say that I hated camping, I'd never liked football, and I was really an introvert. I didn't feel the need to be liked for something I "could be," I knew I wanted to be liked for me. That doesn't mean that I won't ever feel the need to push my comfort zone, have courage to step into uncharted waters, or learn new things; it means that I'll do those things on my terms, and in my own time. I finally broke up with the idea of who I should be, and it was one of the best things I've ever done.
Oddly enough, the idea of assessing my worth professionally had never occurred to me. For the past ten years I have gone from job to job hoping to feel successful, validated, valued; but that has never happened. I've done what I thought I'd needed to do for every organization. I come in early and stay late, put 100% effort into my work, believe in the vision, ask for feedback, have taken measures to improve myself, am a team player, I put clients and co-workers first; in essence, I feel like I've done everything I could possibly do to be an employee an employer would value. And yet, I'm not. I routinely get the assignments no one wants, get skipped over for breaks, am frequently left at my assignment when I should have been relieved hours before, and am paid less than my peers. Senior associates treat me like an idiot, a nuisance, or ignore me. Anyway, the point isn't the litany, it's the lie. The lie I keep telling myself that says that if I try harder, keep my mouth shut, keep my head down, produce more that things will change. They won't. EVER. What I need to do, is break-up with the idea that I can make a broken thing whole, or a bad situation good by working harder; and I need to break-up with my addiction to the opinions of others, and stop looking for ways to validate my internal story of rejection. So, that's it. I'm breaking up with my old, out dated modes of operation. I'm going to create a new narrative that more accurately reflects who I've become, and who I want to be.

Irresponsible Opinion based Medical Advice

This morning I came across an article in a parenting magazine. It was giving advice to parents regarding the use of antibiotics in children. It was touting some study that found that the use of antibiotics in babies may be a cause of childhood asthma. Articles like this PISS ME OFF! They are reminiscent of the autism scare over vaccinations. They spew this junk science, and then leave parents thinking that they shouldn't trust doctors, and that THEY are making decisions that could potentially harm their child. These types of articles are highly IRRESPONSIBLE: 1) authors of articles like these assume that all parents that read their articles have the same level of knowledge, education, and self efficacy. 2) they also assume that the those reading their articles have the same type of relationship with their medical practitioner that they do. 3)they are using their opinions/experiences regarding medical care as the basis for their advice. 4) they are setting themselves and their medical expert contributors as authority type figures when it comes to medical care.
First of all, each person; man, woman and child is an individual. The advice and care that a person receives from a licensed medical practitioner is specific to that person. If the doctor recommends a vaccination, or other type of treatment, follow their advice. If you have a concern or question, or you want to discuss the latest medical buzz, then talk to your medical practitioner. If he or she is unwilling to discuss it with you, then find another practitioner. Playing with your health, and especially the health of a baby is dangerous in so many unforeseen ways. A great example of this is whooping cough. I couldn't imagine watching my infant or young child suffering with, and possibly dying from a completely preventable disease, all because some idiot spewing junk science told me that vaccinating my child causes autism. Laying that kind of burden on parents is absolutely criminal!
It is awesome to be informed, and engaged and inquisitive about the things that go on in our family: about education, medical care, nutrition and etc.; however, throwing the latest junk science out there as fact, just because you subscribe to its general philosophy is horrible practice. With that, here is my advice: if you are not a physician, if you are not posting an article in a medical based journal, perhaps you should think about whether the advice in your opinion piece is helpful or potentially harmful. Better yet, just leave the practice of dispensing medical advice to medical practitioners. PERIOD!

Value and Respect

It's like seeing myself in a fractured mirror. The pieces fit. But it isn't whole. No matter the combination, there will forever be lines that will never smooth, and cracks where continuity used to be. Maybe I'm kidding myself. I thought the path would become more clear as time went on, and that wisdom and accomplishment would take the place of uncertainty. I thought there would be more....and there is.... but it's different than I thought it would be. Who am I? Really. When is the "Ah Ha" moment that brings definition to all the swirling thoughts, struggles and the laundry list of things that make less sense, instead of more? What's the truth? I feel like I should be more than I am; and yet I am the whole world to two people who depend on me to help them shape their lives into an existence that nurtures, loves, protects, and provides the stability that supports their happiness. Ironic, isn't it. I hold such limited value in the outside world. My skill, expertise, knowledge, intellect, industry, passion, ethical principles, ideals, experience, education..... are all junk worth no more than 16.97 an hour. Just a little bit more than nothing; and yet, I am priceless to my husband and little girl. The world doesn't recognize women that stay home to care for their family as worthwhile. We give up the respect of colleagues, and the professional world. They see us as dull witted chumps who give up the brass ring for sippy cups and car pool. What they fail to realize is that growing a tiny human to be a whole, and confident person is hard work. It is sacrificing all of the things that used to define me, that I love, and that I worked so hard for; for a life that depends on me for its survival. It's a hard choice to set my wants, pursuits, dreams aside for: "The Dream," the husband and child I'd never thought I'd have or deserved. Why is it people mock instead of celebrate women who make the choice to raise their children? Why are women who choose their career, celebrated and offered understanding? So many questions, and lots of stuff that may be perceived as judgment, but isn't. It's my internal conflict. Knowing that I too want things. That I miss having the freedom to invest in cultuvating endeavors that are important to me as a person. That I sometimes resent my duty to my family. That I can't have it all because it would mean that my husband and daughter would suffer for it. How do I explain my decision to people that assume that I've "settled"? Why are my decisions automatically perceived as evidence of judgments I've made against people who choose differently? Why is it easier to vilify me, than for others to accept their own decisions and internal conflicts?

Shame

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." -Marcus Aurelius

I saw the quote above the other day, and it really resonated with me. When I first read it, I could feel my whole internal vibe change as I processed its intrinsic wisdom. People want us to believe that their truth is "the" truth. They want validation, and that is not wrong, but I think we have to be very careful of setting ourselves and our opinions up as factual advice for others to heed and follow. I've thought a lot about the topic of "truth" lately because of some personal things that have transpired, and  the painful confusion that seemed to grip me as a result. While I am struggling to put my thoughts and feelings down in the hope of making sense the conclusions I've drawn through introspection, my budding internal convictions are morphing my spiritual landscape in an essential way; and I am realizing that a theme that has run the course of my 45 years is taking shape and definition in a way that it hasn't ever before. My entire life I have struggled against people with opinions that have been set up as truth, and because I was ignorant in a myriad of ways these people were able to shape me in a negative and unloving way. People that have used their influence and my ignorance, and limited or damaged self concept to their advantage.
While I value you and your conviction regarding your perspective on x subject, it is a big world full of opinions and perspectives, including mine. So while I will take your opinion/perspective and honor it as one of many; I wouldnt be honoring my own instinct or sense of self by subscribing solely to your truth as the only truth, and snuffing out my ability to construct my own truth. Your perspective or opinion won't stop me from walking my own path even if you don't sanction it.

Me and Tony Robbins.....

Remember the movie, "Shallow Hal"? Recently I've been wondering if the Tony Robbins magic could transform my vision of now from seeing only the flaws, to really embracing the opportunity. We'll see. Right now it's just a thought. But I guess we see what we want to see: in ourselves, in others. They say that the night is the darkest just before the dawn.....and right now I'd say it's pitch black. Hey Tony, any time now I'd like to see that super model in the mirror instead of the 350 lb woman.

The Winter

Life is ebb and flow. Sometimes it's high tide and you're riding the waves of whatever endeavor you have latched on to( or has latched on to you), and sometimes you're stuck in the tide pools waiting until fortune smiles and sends you into the waiting ocean of opportunity. The winters of life are hard.  This is my winter; and while I know that spring is coming eventually I can't help but have small, brief periods where I curse my lot and wish for more.
Each time I feel like this: sad, burdened, frustrated, stuck, I feel ungrateful for the blessings and gifts that I have been given. Rationally, I know that I am grateful and thankful for all I have; but I still can't help feeling guilty for my lamentations. I'm utterly human, a fatal flaw.
I spend my time searching, researching and plotting my escape. It consumes me.
Mostly because I am left here. Homemaking. Mothering. Sowing seeds that will only bear fruit years in the future. And no matter what I may wish, desire, hope, need; there is no where to go. At least not now.
Mortally tired, I drag myself through each day; plodding along, hoping for rest, and knowing none will come. Hoping for novelty, though none will come. Wishing I could be someone else with a far more interesting, more lucrative existence, but it is futile.
I must stay here and live this life I've chosen. For there is one thing I've learned, if I've learned anything about life at all: escaping pain, hardship, loneliness, powerlessness is impossible. Though there may be many ways to endure a season in life that brings pain, the only way to master it is to live through it, and eliminate the internal distraction of the human experience to foster clarity; a clarity that can only come through discipline, patience and industry. To consciously sow the seeds of success, to propagate prosperity, and to reap the rewards that are the fruit of due diligence.
The only way to spring is through the winter. So too, the only way to find success is to have the wisdom to stay the course, despite setbacks and frustration;despite the criticism and the nay sayers. Knowing that even though winter may wear out its welcome long before it ends, it will eventually end; and if I've played my cards right spring's summer will eclipse my wildest dreams.

The High Road.

The beginning of the end....
Maybe...
Maybe there are things we can't account for. At any rate, times are as they are and we must learn to live with the present and the future.
Just to address the obvious state of affairs....
Post election disdain, anger, and folks behaving badly.
Now, I didn't vote for Obama. I don't care for his brand of politics, but..... Anger and nastiness aren't going to make things any different.
As for Romney, the Republican party and the religious right single-handedly alienated many people with their ultra conservative  views.
Most Americans don't want polarized politics and a country divided by opposition. We want prosperity, freedom, and the right to live like Americans.
We don't want to be Greece, England, France or Canada; we want to be The United States of America, with all the hope she can promise.
Interestingly, it doesn't matter what your personal views are because "the machine" has its own agenda and whether you believe it or not it cares nothing for you.
Wake up, people.
Drop your anger and....
Take a chance at walking the high road.

Angry: Part II

So....Where were we? Oh right, I'm angry......  Yeah, so this needs to stop.

There was a quote that I read sometime ago that basically stated that anger is sparked by a violation of ones values. Ok, I can subscribe to that, but how to deal with that is the problem.

 There are all kinds of ways to be frustrated, offended and ....angry.....every day. How do I just....leave it. No matter what. Disengage.

 I guess one way is to not let things bother me that I really have no control over. Brush it aside and try to forget about it.
 I've tried it.
 Things still eat at me even if I manage not to show that I am hurt, annoyed, frustrated and angry.

 I'm not saying that I go home and kick the dog or anything, but my mind turns it over and over and I can't let it go.
 That just makes it worse. Like a depressive who drinks to self medicate. I think I'm addicted to that thing....the memory of the issue... I can't resolve.  It becomes an obsession until I either drive myself crazy enough to let it go or say or do something stupid that inevitably makes things worse.
So, the question is....how much is peace worth to me? Is it worth more than the obsession with things I can't change or resolve?
If it's important to me enough to change....
Where do I start?  That's the real question that begs an answer.....
Maybe that is what I need to start doing..... Creating my new plan for peace....

Angry Much???

Anger. It's a powerful emotion!  Just thinking about the word conjures all kinds of memories. Mostly memories of me wanting to rip someone's head off.
I know, I know that isn't very nice. Right?
I hate feeling angry. I hate confrontation, but I'm not afraid of it either.
Anger, frustration, feelings of powerlessness can be overwhelming catalysts; sometimes sparking a detructive swath a mile wide.
However, it is the same emotional set that can spur a life changing transformation.
It has the power to create, as well as to destroy.
Incredible, isn't it?
Let me tell you a little story about an epiphany of mine.
I came home from class last night and I was talking to my husband about religion; and as I was standing there going on and on about it I realized that: I am an angry person.
I said that to my husband. Out loud. "I am an angry person," I said.
He genuinely looked sad for me, and began to nod slightly, indicating his agreement. "I know, honey, but you have reasons to be. You had kind of a rough go of things." He looked a little sheepish like admitting that might bring him a world of grief later, but I brushed the look aside and pressed on.
"I really am angry; about so many things, and I don't know how to fix it."
It seemed inconsequential, this little exchange, but in reality it was incredibly important. I'd felt the feelings of anger on so many occasions, but I never thought to identify myself as an "angry person".
Oops! Gotta go!
To be continued......

The Chance of a Lifetime....?

Here's the deal. I'm apprehensive about blogging. Even though I haven't been shy in the past about posting my opinions on *crackbook,* I realize that maybe it isn't the wisest thing to just "put yourself out there". Or is it?
No matter what your message, it is bound to be misinterpreted, misconstrued and people are going to "think things".  The misconception is that if you never post anything, say anything, do anything; or only say, post, do the things that can be percieved as virtuous, and paint you in the most positive light that it will prevent *said people* from "thinking" anything negative. Seems logical, right?
That's crap! People think what they want. It doesn't matter what you say, do, post, etc., there is always going to be someone who is going to read into it something negative. Why be afraid?
Fuck fear!
I'm going blog.
Maybe it will be personal. Maybe not. Maybe it will be interesting. Maybe not. Maybe my words will help someone. Maybe not. But in any case, the fear stops here! The excuses stop here!
My journey starts now.
I'm  not exactly sure how all of this will work. I don't have it clearly planned out. Maybe it's just an exercise to make me think beyond my emotions; face my self imposed obstacles to success and create a kind of "accountability" for the negativity I produce to keep myself from achieving the things I "say" are important. Maybe I will find that those things aren't important at all. Maybe I will find that they are vitally important. Maybe this can be the way to hone those ideas that I thought  to a fine point so that I am crystal clear on my intention, direction and purpose. Who knows.
So.....
Onward with the *experiment*. Let's see what demons I can confront. What ideas, habits, thought patterns and the like are in need of an overhaul. I'm ready! Let's do this!

thought for the day

what makes you angry, violates your values...
finding a healthy way to express the things that violate your value system is important.
consider whether the situation, person, etc is worth your time. is anything going to change by your expression or will you only serve to further upset yourself because you are not being heard. resolution in some aspect is important. realize that the resolution may be that you have to remove yourself from the situation or relationship that violates your values. there is nothing wrong with walking away. it doesnt mean that you are giving up, it just means that you realize youve come to an impasse.... something that either will never be resolved or wont be resolved any time soon.... and you choose to remove yourself because you value yourself and the things and people that are accessible and congruent with your values and you choose to focus on those things/people. resist the temptation to re-engage in defeating behaviors and relationships. take the time to find out how youve contributed to the unhealthy relationship/habit and work on yourself. learning from your mistakes, unhealthy habits, and triggering stimuli will help you notice and avoid those things in the future. ive learned that no amount of effort spent trying to communicate how important someone is to you doesnt make you important to them. they may "say" they love you, care about you etc but if their actions and words arent congruent then my best guess is they dont love you... what they may mean is that they love the things you do for them, the attention you give them or they love how keeping you at a distance satisfies their need to control. at any rate, the sooner you see these relationships for what they really are the better off you will be. dont fall into the guilt trap... continue to remind yourself that removing toxic people and things from your life is healthy and important for you to grow.

A Question for the cosmos.

Is love really love when it isnt reciprocated?